Enough is Enough

I have had enough of these mother ****ing samurais, on this mother ****ing platform.

With the first post of 2009, I take a look at the recent game, Afro Samurai. It's gotten quite a bit of hype, hasn't it? Don't believe a word of it. The only reason it received any was because of Samuel L. Jackson's starring in it (and he does do a pretty good job) and the popularity of the anime it's based off of. Take it with a grain of salt, my friend. It's quite horrible.

*First off*

It isn't anything but a button masher. It has absolutely no skill involvement, other than not standing around like an idiot. All you really have to do is slam the nearest attack button as many times as it takes to finish off the local baddies. And boy, will your thumb hurt afterwards. The usual enemy (in a pathetically stupid attempt to lengthen gameplay, I'm guessing) takes 15-20 hits before he even considers death an option (which is such a pain because there's about a dozen of them at each encounter and after you kill two, two more will almost always jump up to take their place). And that's just the usual grunts. When you go up to the ninjas and leading samurais, then you're talking a real pain in the neck, especially considering, that for some odd reason, they can dodge/block your sword like it's nothing. Although, they sure can't dodge your feet. Remind me, why do I carry this thing around again if I can only seem to hit my enemies with my slower, less effective feet.

*Secondly*

The gameplay is absolutely boring, unoriginal and unimaginative. X=light attack, Y=heavy attack, B=kick, RT=block. The only thing that really doesn't make it 100% typical, is the "focus" technique with the LT. Oh, and by the way, focus is just a fancy trying to sound original way of saying bullet time. Whoa there, buddy. Try not to be so radical with your completely out of the box ideas. You can slow time down, charge up a swing, and (hopefully) hit someone with and unblockable one-hit kill. And then there's the been there done that acrobatics that came straight out of Ninja Gaiden II. Oh yeah, and did I mention that it's kind of broken. If you do light attack in the focus, Afro sweeps his sword at such a stupidly bad angle, that it usually just breezes over your enemies head, making me once again feel stupid for even trying it.

*Thirdly*

It's repetitive. Because doing exactly the same thing over and over again is just so much fun. And why on earth does the game feel the need to show me the same tutorial five times. You know, if I was able to get it the first time, I don't think I need reminding everytime I come up to a wall run. Where does this game get off insulting my intellegence.

*Fourthly*

It's simply gratuitous. There's lots of mature bull that really has no place. Blood in a war game? Cool, that makes sense considering it's war after all. Blood in a sword fighting game? Well, we are using swords. Being a soldier trained to stomp your enemy's face in as a finishing move? Um, getting a little over the top, but what ever I can dig it. Slicing off somebody's hand at the wrist and having about 20 gallons of blood spray out like a fountain? Ok, now that's just ridiculous and plainly over the top. Oh, and somewhere in what I believe was the second level, I was "treated" to fighting topless, sword-fighting women. Now that's just plain unnecessary. LOWBROW ATTRACTION ALERT!!! Although, I will say this. The digital bosoms looked so hilariously fake that they actually kept me around for a little longer instead of quitting just for a bit of laughter. Feh heh.

*Final Thoughts*

All you can really do is take it for what it is. And the story it's showing me is certainly a lovely thing for sure. Too bad the terrible gameplay keeps me from even playing it through. Honestly. It's so horribly bad, that if you ask me, you shouldn't even look in this game's general direction.

Well, thanks for reading my review of the worst game I've ever played. This is The Blade, signing off.